I wasn’t even supposed to go to Grand Central that day.  I wasn’t supposed to be in the city, but how it ended up was quite needed.

I had to come into the city because there are no Wells Fargos in all of Brooklyn and I had to sign some papers for a new loan I was taking out to begin travelling.  So, onto Manhattan I went.

I left the bank feeling alive and full of vibrations that were leading me elsewhere.

In truth, I hadn’t thought of you in quite a while. Sure, you passed my thoughts every once in a while but I hadn’t really thought of you, I hadn’t brought up memories, I hadn’t rehashed everything that had happened in quite a long time.  In my mind, I was moved on from you.

I walked into Grand Central because someone had once mentioned to me that the paintings on the ceilings are a beautiful collection of astrological constellations so now was as good a time as ever to see them.

I was standing beneath Gemini, The Twins.  I smiled, the mere feat of painting and restoring those beautiful paintings that were so high up in the air was dumbfounding.  I laughed at the beauty of humanity and looked forward.

My breath caught in my chest, an immediate pain made my shoulders coil forward to protect it, your green eyes were staring bewildered at me while my heart recoiled like a Jaguar being confronted with an enemy.  That’s how my heart felt about you, the hurt was right there the whole time just waiting beneath the surface.

“Hello,” you said.  All I could do was nod in acknowledgment.

I averted my eyes for fear that you would see how vulnerable I still was in your presence.

“Do you live here?” he asked.

“Yes, I have for a bit,” I replied, watching as you walked over to me.

I laughed inside at my Self, this wasn’t me.  I wasn’t this person anymore.  I had been this person with you, but not anymore.

As soon as those thoughts and feelings rushed through, my heart opened like a warrior’s armor.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, “I thought you were still in Arizona.”

“I am, but I’m here visiting.”

I smiled, he finally had gotten out of his hometown.

There was another silence.

“I thought I would have more to say to you if I ever saw you again,” you said.

“What did you want to say?”

He shrugged.

“That you were right, that I will always love you and that I hope you’re happy and well.”

I smiled.

“Thank you for saying that.”

“Did you have anything you wanted to say to me?” he asked.

I shook my head, ‘no’.

I saw his eyes change, as if a bit of hope had been taken from them.

I walked towards him and did what I thought I would always do.

I reached out to hold his cheek and gave him a light kiss.  Before I pulled away completely I whispered to him, “Be well, love.  I wish you nothing but.”

After that day, after walking away from you for the final time something changed in my walk, in my speech, in my mind.  It was almost as if whispering those final words to you released the final bit of poison that had been in my spirit.  I felt relief, true relief.

I’m so grateful that I had made a choice.  A true choice.  A choice to find freedom by travelling and found travelling to Grand Central was the greatest healing I could experience.

Be well, my love.  Thank you.

We truly do manifest that which we want in our life.  This complex idea is actually quite simple.  But the depth that the threads create the rug of our lives (that’s quite a stretch of an analogy, I know) is so deep that pulling them to remake it can be quite an unraveling.

I’m completely blown away by the revelation I had this morning.  On my way to an interview that could possibly change my life, I manifested myself into a full blown wreck.  Physical, emotional, mental.  Everything came to a halt.

Since I was a child, I’ve been afraid of rejection.  Quite textbook really but the truth is that it is there for a reason.  I haven’t found the root quite yet, but I have seen the depth of the choices that have been manipulated by my fear of rejection.  I got a very clear sign as to what my habits are in the self-manipulating my future to keep from moving forward.

I preach change, I’m fire, I bring Phoenix medicine for those I encounter, quite unknowingly, and I forget to do it for my Self??  How silly!  As as I implement change I sabotage my Self with my mind for this fear of rejection.  It’s happened so many times I can’t even count.  This mind frame of “I’m afraid of rejection” and “starting over again” is absolute bullshit.  Bullshit.  No one should throw away their life over fear.  I’m finished creating these excuses, no more manifesting grief and rejection.

I’ve moved through the frustration with my Self, although I know it’ll come in waves as more moments come forth that have been a result of this fear, but revolving compassion and unconditional love for my learning will be present.  Seeds planted, new creations blossoming is coming, and the veil being removed is allowing me to move through this next journey with bravery, undeniable dreams, and the knowledge that every choice I make can come from two angles; love or fear.

I hereby choose LOVE

That beating heart inside of you can be quite a powerful force, as I’m sure you’ve discovered in your journey here on Earth.  We live in a place where the 3rd dimension is constantly present, and now, as we ascend into higher consciousness, we are being asked by Spirit to embrace more, to believe more, to manifest anything and everything.

Listening to your heart.  It is quite an old spirit in there.

Leaving a place where you considered your home…choo, I mean really.  My heart told me to do just that.  I left Los Angeles, a place where I had experienced some truly beautiful relationships, spiritual growth, amazing weather and nature.  I was told in a very deep meditation/transcendental experience to move back to New York City, a place I had left 6 years earlier.  When I previously lived there I was quite miserable.  Very little in terms of nature, barely any sunlight and the energetic frequency of the city made me a depressed insomniac who started losing their hair and will for life.  Once I left and came to Los Angeles and had been blissful for most of my time here.  For the two years prior to my heart screaming at me, “It is time!” I had been feeling that I was going to be in New York again, but I couldn’t imagine how in the hell I would end up there.  I had no earthly need to go.

I’m sitting in meditation, talking with guides and selves, and I heard my earthly teacher and my heart teacher telling me, “It’s time” over and over again like there had been a beacon going off and I was only now able to access it.

“Okay,” I said, “It’s time for what?”

I was frustrated.  I don’t like impatience and it felt as though my teachers had been impatient with my lack of listening.  Santa Maria can turn off your ability to truly listen, be mindful when asking her for help for too long.

“It’s time for what??”

Immediately I was shown packing up all my things, getting rid of my bed, and sloughing off quite a bit of skin that I didn’t know needed to be let go of.

Let me backtrack a bit.

The November prior to this beacon I journeyed to see Grandmother.  She showed me and took me places that I knew in my Spirit as home.  She showed me the many paths I was capable of taking.  When I arose the next day from this deep meditation I made a promise to Spirit that I was throwing my hands up in surrender and I was going to follow and serve.

So, fast forward to 7 months later and I’m getting this beacon going off, after those 7 months of deep cleansing and sloughing off other layers that were quite profound, all at the hand of Spirit, and now I’m being told to get rid of everything in my life that I didn’t want to take into a future path with me.

I was meant to journey to see Abuela again three days after I received this message and i wanted to come back to a space that was clean and ready for the next step.  So in two days I got rid of my bed, packed up and gave away 60% of my belongings.  Books, DVDs, my television, clothes from my styling business that was happily let go of at the urging of Spirit, I left for the weekend feeling quite accomplished and focused.

My journey for that meditation will and should be shared in a later communication.  I promise to bring it up when the time is right.

When I got back, I was shown the next step.  It was to let go of my “teacher” in my yoga training who had unfortunately done more damage than good in my life, the opposite of what any teacher should do.  Projection can be quite a masked action, be mindful and aware.

As soon as I told him I would no longer be studying with him there was huge lift off of my Spirit.  I had been shushing it since the first time I truly felt that this teaching wasn’t for me.  The lesson learned there will also be shared in a later communication.  When one enters onto the Healer’s Path, there are events and energies that will meet you to become the honest and devout teachers for you.

I sat in an odd limbo then for about 2 weeks.  The gravity of what had happened had to sit in for me to truly grasp what I was doing.  I still didn’t know where I was going.  I still didn’t know how I was getting there.  I was living in a blank space and that can be as thrilling as the actual physical journey.

I decided to go camping on the beach and get away from those crazy energies that can affect you in a big city.  Clarity of Spirit was present as soon as I dipped my toes in the water.  I saw a post on Instagram from a woman who is part of my tribe in New York City and they were asking for volunteers for a festival that I had been wanting to attend and this was only the second time it would be held in the states.  Usually it is in the UK or Poland.  Spirit whispered, “Go” so I began making plans for a road trip across the country.

Ups and downs happened in planning the trip, shortcomings I was given and then I shifted for my personal happiness were put upon me as growth to truly say what I wanted for my Self.  I knew where I was going now and so I began saying “See ya later” to those that I deeply love and the focus made me into a bit of a hermit for my last month in Los Angeles.

The journey begins tomorrow.  Tonight I’m attending a sound bath being facilitated by dear and dearest of friends.  Tomorrow morning I set off on my journey to Bryce Canyon, UT.

Blessings, love and joy to you all.