Dream on, dream until your dreams come true!
I wasn’t even supposed to go to Grand Central that day. I wasn’t supposed to be in the city, but how it ended up was quite needed.
I had to come into the city because there are no Wells Fargos in all of Brooklyn and I had to sign some papers for a new loan I was taking out to begin travelling. So, onto Manhattan I went.
I left the bank feeling alive and full of vibrations that were leading me elsewhere.
In truth, I hadn’t thought of you in quite a while. Sure, you passed my thoughts every once in a while but I hadn’t really thought of you, I hadn’t brought up memories, I hadn’t rehashed everything that had happened in quite a long time. In my mind, I was moved on from you.
I walked into Grand Central because someone had once mentioned to me that the paintings on the ceilings are a beautiful collection of astrological constellations so now was as good a time as ever to see them.
I was standing beneath Gemini, The Twins. I smiled, the mere feat of painting and restoring those beautiful paintings that were so high up in the air was dumbfounding. I laughed at the beauty of humanity and looked forward.
My breath caught in my chest, an immediate pain made my shoulders coil forward to protect it, your green eyes were staring bewildered at me while my heart recoiled like a Jaguar being confronted with an enemy. That’s how my heart felt about you, the hurt was right there the whole time just waiting beneath the surface.
“Hello,” you said. All I could do was nod in acknowledgment.
I averted my eyes for fear that you would see how vulnerable I still was in your presence.
“Do you live here?” he asked.
“Yes, I have for a bit,” I replied, watching as you walked over to me.
I laughed inside at my Self, this wasn’t me. I wasn’t this person anymore. I had been this person with you, but not anymore.
As soon as those thoughts and feelings rushed through, my heart opened like a warrior’s armor.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, “I thought you were still in Arizona.”
“I am, but I’m here visiting.”
I smiled, he finally had gotten out of his hometown.
There was another silence.
“I thought I would have more to say to you if I ever saw you again,” you said.
“What did you want to say?”
“That you were right, that I will always love you and that I hope you’re happy and well.”
“Thank you for saying that.”
“Did you have anything you wanted to say to me?” he asked.
I shook my head, ‘no’.
I saw his eyes change, as if a bit of hope had been taken from them.
I walked towards him and did what I thought I would always do.
I reached out to hold his cheek and gave him a light kiss. Before I pulled away completely I whispered to him, “Be well, love. I wish you nothing but.”
After that day, after walking away from you for the final time something changed in my walk, in my speech, in my mind. It was almost as if whispering those final words to you released the final bit of poison that had been in my spirit. I felt relief, true relief.
I’m so grateful that I had made a choice. A true choice. A choice to find freedom by travelling and found travelling to Grand Central was the greatest healing I could experience.
Be well, my love. Thank you.
Whoa. That’s quite a lot of responsibility in that one syllable. I’ve looked at choices with anxiety for my whole life. If I do this then what does that mean? If I choose that it means that I’ll never have this? If I make this choice will it change everything? What if it changes nothing??
Like I said, whoa!
If you’ve read any of my prior posts you’ll notice that I listen to my Spirit and my intuition as much as I can. But my real question is, if we are constantly listening to our inner voice, is that really choosing your life like we hope we are doing?
I have no idea what the answer is. My belief is that I’m being led through highest self, I’m learning how to be that Warrior, Siren Water Goddess. So, I simply have to activate everything inside of me that I wish to experience in this life. There’s the choice. What do I want to experience?
It is then perhaps that I’ll be led through. Imagine a forest path and you come to a separation of the path. You look and you see that there are an infinite amount of paths around you to take. None of them are better than the other, but all of them lead to different experiences. So you choose the one you want to experience next and along the way Spirit gives you many lessons and blessings. And then you reach the end of the wave and you come to another infinite amount of paths to take. And so on and so forth. Now multiply that by each level of life you choose to explore. Love, sex, work, environmental surroundings, relationships…it’s so textured and beautiful that the weaving of it can be overwhelming.
But remembering to take it one choice at a time. Perhaps that the best advice one could absorb.
One choice, one step, one thing at a time.
The way you communicate deeply defines your interactions in this world, be mindful of your words, they chisel and mold your reality
Love isn’t tangible or restrictive, it can’t be bought and is constantly changing like clouds over the land
Nature is the purest reality
There is no such thing as us against them, we are all in this together, truly
Change is the only constant
You can’t control others or their actions or their reactions. You can only be in charge of your actions and your reactions
There’s no such thing as unconditional love nor conditional love. If you have to label it as either then perhaps it isn’t truly love
You chose your family, your body, your date and time of birth. What makes you think you have no choices now? Everything is a choice.
Don’t believe everything you’re taught in school, most of the valuable lessons are never taught from a text book
All you need is exercise, exquisite nutrition and loved ones to laugh with daily to stay healthy
Money is simply paper. Sure, for some reason we have created a society that makes it necessary to purchase things, but if someone comes up to you and says, “If you give me a piece of paper with a $1 on it, I’ll give you this apple that will help clean your blood, help your gums stay healthy and keep your poop regular” you’d be a fool to not give it to him
Your body truly is your temple, your home, the place that you really live. Everything else can change, your physical home, the clothes you’re wearing, the make-up you put on, the car you drive…but you are always going to have this body in this life. Treat it kindly with love and food medicine
Music can move mountains inside someone and communicate with any spirit
Words are simply verbal money, you make a transaction with someone each time you interact with them…spend wisely
I don’t know anything about anything.
There is a muse, sitting on my shoulder.
It whispers secrets of the Universe into my ears
and for years I couldn’t hear the bits of wisdom she gladly shared…but
I learned to still my rampant mind
so that her sweet love could fill my Spirit
and remind me the beauty of this textured and matter filled world
without which there would never be a flower that bloomed
nor a cloud that carried lightning and the elixir of life.
Peace to you on your journey, may you live fully and lovingly
towards all spirits, seen and unseen.
Be not blinded by the hazy fog of humanity
but revel in the beauty of a rainbow
and the power of the stare of the Jaguar.
The mere idea of having to ask myself questions regarding existence and choices always make me stop and take a deep breaths. Perhaps I should do more of this throughout the days I live, but I’m a person who likes to go with the gut, go with those feelings and ideas that come forth and trust that I’m taken care of…because I always am when I do this.
I have an immense amount of trust in the Universe, I believe that it is working for me, not against me. The only thing that is working against me are those thoughts and ideas that come forth telling me that I can’t do something, for it is those very thoughts that are creating realities and reflections.
Writing out these thoughts and ideas are what have brought me to this very page, this blank internet based space that I’m pouring the current thoughts and ideas into. I’ve written my whole life, I have several novels that for some reason I’ve never done anything with to get published (I have an inkling that the lack of forward momentum has to do with rooted thoughts of not being good enough, which is another reason I’m here), and blogging is a step in the positive direction for me. I have so many journals that are full of different thought and idea based topics from Ayurveda, Subtle Body Energy Systems, interactions with random strangers and what I was left feeling, among others. This blogging platform is to help me stretch beyond the comfort boundaries of my mind and I’m very much looking forward to being challenged by an outside source that will be giving me topics to write about.
We truly do manifest that which we want in our life. This complex idea is actually quite simple. But the depth that the threads create the rug of our lives (that’s quite a stretch of an analogy, I know) is so deep that pulling them to remake it can be quite an unraveling.
I’m completely blown away by the revelation I had this morning. On my way to an interview that could possibly change my life, I manifested myself into a full blown wreck. Physical, emotional, mental. Everything came to a halt.
Since I was a child, I’ve been afraid of rejection. Quite textbook really but the truth is that it is there for a reason. I haven’t found the root quite yet, but I have seen the depth of the choices that have been manipulated by my fear of rejection. I got a very clear sign as to what my habits are in the self-manipulating my future to keep from moving forward.
I preach change, I’m fire, I bring Phoenix medicine for those I encounter, quite unknowingly, and I forget to do it for my Self?? How silly! As as I implement change I sabotage my Self with my mind for this fear of rejection. It’s happened so many times I can’t even count. This mind frame of “I’m afraid of rejection” and “starting over again” is absolute bullshit. Bullshit. No one should throw away their life over fear. I’m finished creating these excuses, no more manifesting grief and rejection.
I’ve moved through the frustration with my Self, although I know it’ll come in waves as more moments come forth that have been a result of this fear, but revolving compassion and unconditional love for my learning will be present. Seeds planted, new creations blossoming is coming, and the veil being removed is allowing me to move through this next journey with bravery, undeniable dreams, and the knowledge that every choice I make can come from two angles; love or fear.
I hereby choose LOVE
That beating heart inside of you can be quite a powerful force, as I’m sure you’ve discovered in your journey here on Earth. We live in a place where the 3rd dimension is constantly present, and now, as we ascend into higher consciousness, we are being asked by Spirit to embrace more, to believe more, to manifest anything and everything.
Listening to your heart. It is quite an old spirit in there.
Leaving a place where you considered your home…choo, I mean really. My heart told me to do just that. I left Los Angeles, a place where I had experienced some truly beautiful relationships, spiritual growth, amazing weather and nature. I was told in a very deep meditation/transcendental experience to move back to New York City, a place I had left 6 years earlier. When I previously lived there I was quite miserable. Very little in terms of nature, barely any sunlight and the energetic frequency of the city made me a depressed insomniac who started losing their hair and will for life. Once I left and came to Los Angeles and had been blissful for most of my time here. For the two years prior to my heart screaming at me, “It is time!” I had been feeling that I was going to be in New York again, but I couldn’t imagine how in the hell I would end up there. I had no earthly need to go.
I’m sitting in meditation, talking with guides and selves, and I heard my earthly teacher and my heart teacher telling me, “It’s time” over and over again like there had been a beacon going off and I was only now able to access it.
“Okay,” I said, “It’s time for what?”
I was frustrated. I don’t like impatience and it felt as though my teachers had been impatient with my lack of listening. Santa Maria can turn off your ability to truly listen, be mindful when asking her for help for too long.
“It’s time for what??”
Immediately I was shown packing up all my things, getting rid of my bed, and sloughing off quite a bit of skin that I didn’t know needed to be let go of.
Let me backtrack a bit.
The November prior to this beacon I journeyed to see Grandmother. She showed me and took me places that I knew in my Spirit as home. She showed me the many paths I was capable of taking. When I arose the next day from this deep meditation I made a promise to Spirit that I was throwing my hands up in surrender and I was going to follow and serve.
So, fast forward to 7 months later and I’m getting this beacon going off, after those 7 months of deep cleansing and sloughing off other layers that were quite profound, all at the hand of Spirit, and now I’m being told to get rid of everything in my life that I didn’t want to take into a future path with me.
I was meant to journey to see Abuela again three days after I received this message and i wanted to come back to a space that was clean and ready for the next step. So in two days I got rid of my bed, packed up and gave away 60% of my belongings. Books, DVDs, my television, clothes from my styling business that was happily let go of at the urging of Spirit, I left for the weekend feeling quite accomplished and focused.
My journey for that meditation will and should be shared in a later communication. I promise to bring it up when the time is right.
When I got back, I was shown the next step. It was to let go of my “teacher” in my yoga training who had unfortunately done more damage than good in my life, the opposite of what any teacher should do. Projection can be quite a masked action, be mindful and aware.
As soon as I told him I would no longer be studying with him there was huge lift off of my Spirit. I had been shushing it since the first time I truly felt that this teaching wasn’t for me. The lesson learned there will also be shared in a later communication. When one enters onto the Healer’s Path, there are events and energies that will meet you to become the honest and devout teachers for you.
I sat in an odd limbo then for about 2 weeks. The gravity of what had happened had to sit in for me to truly grasp what I was doing. I still didn’t know where I was going. I still didn’t know how I was getting there. I was living in a blank space and that can be as thrilling as the actual physical journey.
I decided to go camping on the beach and get away from those crazy energies that can affect you in a big city. Clarity of Spirit was present as soon as I dipped my toes in the water. I saw a post on Instagram from a woman who is part of my tribe in New York City and they were asking for volunteers for a festival that I had been wanting to attend and this was only the second time it would be held in the states. Usually it is in the UK or Poland. Spirit whispered, “Go” so I began making plans for a road trip across the country.
Ups and downs happened in planning the trip, shortcomings I was given and then I shifted for my personal happiness were put upon me as growth to truly say what I wanted for my Self. I knew where I was going now and so I began saying “See ya later” to those that I deeply love and the focus made me into a bit of a hermit for my last month in Los Angeles.
The journey begins tomorrow. Tonight I’m attending a sound bath being facilitated by dear and dearest of friends. Tomorrow morning I set off on my journey to Bryce Canyon, UT.
Blessings, love and joy to you all.